Thursday, June 18, 2015

Mindful Parenting

In my research on self-compassion, I came across another parenting style, Mindful Parenting. It's a style of parenting that not only has a lot of overlap with other parenting styles, but would be very compatible with other parenting styles. Carla Naumburg writes that the difference between Attachment Parenting and Mindful parenting is that Attachment Parenting "focuses on what to do (breast feed, co-sleep, etc.), while mindful parenting is about how to do it."

So what is Mindful Parenting? Mindful Parenting is a parenting style based on the concept of mindfulness. Mindfulness is about being fully present and in the moment. Jon Kabat-Zinn, a famous mindfulness researcher, describes it as paying attention in a particular way, on purpose, in the present moment non-judgmentally. Bodhipaska on Wildmind does an excellent job elaborating on this.

Source

How can parents be mindful? To pay attention to something on purpose means we are aware of our own feelings and our child's. It is not just noticing we are angry or that our child is angry, but to stay focused on the experience. We stay in the present moment, not going back to the past (remembering all the other times we yelled or all the other tantrums our child has had) or to the future (thinking that we'll never be able to stop yelling or our child will always be throwing tantrums). It is also non-judgmental (we are not getting upset with ourselves or our child for having that particular feeling). Once we are aware of what's going on, we can choose how we want to proceed rather than our usual knee-jerk reaction.

Obviously, this is a a really tall order. In fact, someone even wrote about a piece entitled "How the mindful parenting movement is setting parents up to fail" (to which a great response was written). I don't believe mindfulness sets us up to fail; I believe that mindfulness gives us tools to work with when we do fail. In fact, I believe that mindfulness is an important tool to learn how not to fail. How else can we change how we do things if we aren't aware of how and why we do them?

Mindfulness is a practice, and the more we practice at it the better we get.

For Further Thought:

1) How does this parenting style compare to compare to how you were raised? In what ways do you wish you had been more or less raised like this?

2) What appeals to you about this parenting style? What obstacles do you face in practicing this?

3) What makes you uncomfortable with this parenting style?

For Further Reading:


New York Times: The Mostly Mindful Parent



PsychCentral: Carla Naumburg blogs regularly about Mindful Parenting. 

Thursday, June 11, 2015

The Number One Parenting Tool That Nobody Talks About

I'd like to elaborate more on the idea of "enoughness." I think everyone (including myself) needs convincing that being hard on ourselves so we don't become lazy, narcissistic, or [insert bad thing you are afraid of becoming here] doesn't actually work. It seems like common sense that if we punish ourselves, we will want to avoid punishment in the future. We also think that if we feel bad about ourselves, the solution is to build up our self-esteem by doing wonderful things. The good news is that the research shows these things are not true. The bad news is that the real remedy to our problems still requires work.

I am a big fan of Kristin Neff. She is a researcher who has done work on self-compassion and self-esteem. Her research shows that rather than following the highs and lows of self-esteem, we should develop self-compassion instead. Self-compassion is the tool that will help us develop the sense of "enoughness" that will keep us on an even keel.

Self-compassion involves three things. The first is the recognition that we are suffering, and being kind to ourselves as a result. Instead of soldiering on through a hard day, we recognize that the day has been difficult and try to offer ourselves what we need. Instead of being angry with ourselves for yelling at our kids, we recognize that we are upset without berating ourselves. The second part is common humanity. We recognize that we are not the only ones suffering, that other parents have gone through the same things we have. The final component is mindfulness. We recognize that we are suffering and allow ourselves to feel the emotion we are feeling without wallowing in it.

Source

Obviously these three things are not easy to do. If we are used to repressing our emotions, it can be difficult to feel them again, not to mention the difficulty in not getting carried away by them. However, practicing self-compassion is the only way off the worthiness hamster-wheel. We cannot effect real change in ourselves without it.

For Further Thought:

1) What are you afraid of becoming if you don't keep yourself in line?

2) What are you worried will happen if you allow yourself to feel the full extent of your feelings?

3) What do you think is your biggest obstacle in practicing self-compassion?

For Further Reading:

"Self-Compassion" by Kristin Neff (watch her TED talk here)

Self-Compassion:  What Self-Compassion is Not and Why We Should Stop Chasing Self-Esteem and Start Developing Self-Compassion and Does Self-Compassion Mean Letting Yourself Off the Hook?

Thursday, June 4, 2015

Enough

I have a love-hate relationship with Pinterest. On the one hand, I love that it's a place for me to keep all the recipes I'm interested in trying, as well as all the other virtual things I like to hoard. On the other hand, when I get caught up looking at all the activities I feel like I should be doing with my kids, well...

Being a parent is hard work. Our ability to see what other parents are doing and compare our beginnings to other people's middles certainly doesn't make it any easier. We read blog posts detailing messy crafts and sensory bins, we see pictures of our friends and families going on outings and we think, "I should do that." If we only used these sources to get inspired, it would be one thing, but more often we are using them as a meter stick, to see how we measure up. The real challenge, however, is not avoiding comparison, it is avoiding the "worthiness hustle" altogether.

I'm a big fan of the work of Brené Brown. She is a researcher who came across interesting findings regarding shame. Her has been featured on Oprah. She believes (and has the research to back it up) that as long as we feel like we have to do things to be worthy (what she calls the "worthiness hustle"), we will never achieve it. However, once we decide that we are enough, just as we are, we are.

by Kelly Rae Roberts Source 

We think that we can harness the power of shame. We think that if we beat ourselves up enough about all the things we didn't do but should have and all the things we did do but shouldn't have that we can make ourselves better. It just doesn't work that way. Furthermore, if we are constantly berating ourselves we will not feel motivated to take care of ourselves. We will not feel like we deserve it or be able to take in all the wonderful things life has to offer. How can we parent from emptiness?

You, dear parent, are enough, just as you are. Don't forget that.

For Further Thought:

1) What things do you do to hustle for worthiness?

2) How would it change your life to know that you no longer had to hustle for your worthiness?

3) Our children are our best teachers. Do you expect them to work for their love from you? Why do you make yourself work for it?

For Further Reading:

"I Thought It was Just Me" and "The Gifts of Imperfection" by Brené Brown (watch her TED talks on The Power of Vulnerability and Listening to Shame)

Aha Parenting: Spring Cleaning for your Psyche

Barefoot Barn: The Mistaken Belief Moms Hold

Abundant Mama: A Mindful Mother's Guide to Feeling Worthy

Hands Free Mama: The Kind of Mothering We All Need

Finding Joy: Why Being a Mom is Enough and Dear I am Enough Mom