Noticing is the First Step

I lived in my house for six years before I found the most efficient way to get to the grocery store. For six years, at least once a week, sometimes even twice a week, I drove to the grocery store in the most inefficient way. Once I realized there was a better way to go (and you can bet I went a few ways which were also not as efficient before I found the best way), it took me awhile before that was the way I was consistently driving to and from the grocery store. Occasionally I would catch myself driving the less efficient way, and feel frustrated. Sometimes I would catch myself in the middle of driving that way, and go a slightly more efficient way but still not the best way. Even now, after driving the better way for over a year, I still catch myself on autopilot going the way I used to go.

Sometimes as parents we find ourselves doing things that aren't particularly efficient. I'm loathe to tell anyone they're doing something the wrong way (not only because there are a lot of other people out there eager to). I do, however, think that the way some parents do things is inefficient. Most likely we'll all get to the same place, in (mostly) one piece. But if you knew a better way to go, a way that got you there faster and with less frustration, wouldn't you want to go that way?

I'm not promising a walk through the park. Even when driving the most efficient way, sometimes, like during a snowstorm, it is not going to be fun driving to the grocery store. Sometimes there's construction, or a really, really slow car in front of you. A lot of things are out of our control. Still, I'm happy I found the more efficient way to drive to the store and I wouldn't go back to driving the other way just because once in awhile I get caught behind the garbage truck.

Sometimes, we are aware there is a more efficient way to go, but we don't know how to do it. Our autopilot comes on and before we know it, we're going down the least efficient route. After you get home and remember you could have gone a different way, you become even more frustrated with yourself. Here is where you need to remember: noticing is the first step. Instead of berating yourself for going the wrong way, be happy that not only do you know that there is a better way, but that you were able to realize that you didn't go that way. Not everyone has that awareness.

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Eventually, you will be able to notice that you are headed down the inefficient path in the middle of your drive. You can be frustrated and continue that way, or, you can try to correct your course and see if you can get on the more efficient path. Either way, you're noticing a little earlier and that should be celebrated. If you keep lauding yourself just for noticing, eventually you'll be catching yourself before you head on the inefficient path. You will have achieved your goal of changing the path you're on.

If you've been on the inefficient path for a long time, it will not be easy to change your way, but it can be done. Just remember: noticing is the first step. Meet yourself with self-compassion. You can do it.

For Further Thought:

1) What is it that you would like to do more efficiently as a parent?
2) In what ways can you support your noticing?
3) When in the past have you successfully changed a habit?

For Further Reading:

Zen Pencils: Ira Glass and the Gap

The One Thing I Wish I Had Known Before I Became a Parent

I've been a mom now for over four years, which in the grand scheme of things is not really that long. It's only recently that I've been getting serious about self-care, so it's only recently that I realized something really important about myself.

I am an introvert.

Susan Cain's book Quiet only came out in 2012, a year after I became a parent for the first time. Finding time to read in the first few years of parenting was hard, so it was a while before I actually got around to reading it. I had known before I had read it that I was an introvert, so part of me even resisted reading it, but I'm really glad I did. It was so validating to know that introversion is not a defective personality trait.



Introversion (and its opposite, extroversion) is a way of understanding one's personality. "Extroversion tends to be manifested in outgoing, talkative, energetic behavior, whereas introversion is manifested in more reserved and solitary behavior," says Wikipedia. However, there are a lot of myths about introverts, which I think stems from a misunderstanding about their motivations for their behaviour. The reason extroverts are generally more outgoing is because that's how they recharge. The reason introverts are generally more reserved is because solitude and quiet are what they need to recharge.

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Realizing that I require a great deal of solitude helps me to understand why nap time and bedtime are some of my favourite times. It helps me to understand why I never wanted to do playgroups, and why I hate going to kids' birthday parties. Finally I understand that if I want to take care of myself, I need to be careful not to fill up nap time and post-kids'-bedtime with too many activities so I can better appreciate the solitude.

Parenting as an introvert can be really tough, especially when your kids are really small and need you constantly. While having a partner can be helpful to get some alone time (hello, Daddy who takes the kids to the park!) it can also mean that when you finally get some time to yourself, you have to share it with someone else. There's also a lot of pressure to do things with your kids, like playdates, playgroups and other sports, lessons or group activities.

Knowing what you need to recharge is half the battle. It helps you to lessen the guilt you have about not doing all the things you think you need to be doing to be the perfect parent. It will also help you plan your time better. For instance, if you have a birthday party to attend on Sunday, you know that planning a play date on Saturday is probably a bad idea. Unless you get to drop your kid off and have some alone time, in which case it is an awesome idea.

Knowing what works for you will also affect your parenting style. I love my kids, and I love spending time with them, but the strong emphasis on that attachment part of attachment parenting means that it is not for me. Clearly, I'm not the only one who thinks so. It's not to say that you can't be an introvert and be an attachment parent, but that it's worth considering where the overlap might cause friction.

There is nothing wrong with being an introvert, but in a world where the majority are extroverted it means we have to work a little harder to understand ourselves and our needs. This is just as important to do when we become parents, especially when there are young introverts watching.

For Further Thought:

1) Are you an introvert or an extrovert? (Here's a quiz to help you!)

2) What does self-care look like for you as an introvert or extrovert?

3) In what way does your orientation impact your parenting, both in your philosophy of parenting and in how you parent?

For Further Reading:

Space2Live: There's nothing wrong with you, you're an introvert

Good: 10 Illustrations that Nail What it Means to be an Introvert

TED: Susan Cain's Ted Talk "The Power of Introverts"

HuffPo: Why Parenting is Hard for Introverts

I Gave Up By Noon: For the Introverted Mother

Missguided Mama: Your Introvert Mom Survival Guide: 10 tricks to save your sanity

Scary Mommy: 4 Tips for Surviving Parenthood as an Introverted Mom

Creating a Fair Haven: 10 Survival Tips for Introverted Parents

Quiet Revolution: How to Find Quiet as a Parent, Wherever You Are and The Benefits of Being an Introverted Parent