Why Not?

Ever since my son threw a tantrum because he didn't like where I parked, I've been thinking a lot about the balancing act between needs and wants. It isn't always obvious when you start going down a road you don't want to be on, but the only thing to do when you find yourself on that road is to head back and decide which way you want to go.

Your toddler wants the blue cup instead of the green one. Why not?

Your toddler wants the other cereal for breakfast. Why not?

Your toddler wants popcorn for a snack. Why not?

There are so many instances in our day where we are being asked to pick our battles, and since many of them are not a big deal, we say "why not?" and give them what they want. But sometimes, choosing your battles is not a very effective parenting strategy.

I'm not saying that we should never give our child their choice, especially when it really doesn't matter. What I am saying is that all of these little interactions add up, and pretty soon we're parking in a different spot because our child has suddenly developed a preference as to where we park.

I wish there was a hard and fast rule that could help us decide when we should say no and when we should say yes. Or maybe a counter that counts how many times they've had their way? Unfortunately, as with everything in parenting, there are no strict guidelines, and regardless of how well we consider everything, we still might not be happy with our choices after we've made them. It's still important, however, to try to find some balance, so with that in mind, I'd like to talk about boundaries.

When we are trying to decide whether or not to allow our child to have the cup they want, to jump on the couch, to jump on us, or any other parenting decision, we are making the decision based on our values. The decision we come to is a boundary. Yes, you may have the cup you want, because I value your independence. No, you may not jump on the couch because I value my couch and I don't want it to get broken (or I value you and don't want you to get hurt). No, you may not jump on me because I value myself and I don't like to get hurt.

Janet Lansbury talks about boundaries in this article and the thing I appreciate the most about it is that she gives permission for parents to set any boundaries they want. Don't want to get your child the blue cup instead of the green one? No problem. Your reasons may not be reasonable, but "I don't like that" is an acceptable reason not to want to allow something. Feel free also to use "I don't feel like that today" or "I'm too tired." Again, you don't always have to say no, but for me, the big problem isn't always saying no, it's always saying yes. If this is your problem as well, give yourself permission to say no more often, even if you don't feel like you have a good enough reason to say no.

It can be difficult to get into the habit of opening up the space between their request and your response, but it will be well worth it. If you're often feeling unappreciated, or like your children have become a little too demanding or even (*gasp*) spoiled, give yourself time to answer your children's requests. Ask yourself, "Will I feel annoyed or resentful if I do this?" If your answer is honestly and truly that you don't mind, by all means, go ahead. Sometimes it can just seem easier in the short run to give in to the request. We've all been there, and there's nothing wrong with doing so occasionally. If it happens more than occasionally, however, you probably just need to bite the bullet and put your foot down.

It's easy to get into a rut and parent on auto-pilot. But every now and again something will happen that lets you know it's time for things to change. Change isn't easy for anyone, and it will definitely ruffle some feathers when you start saying no more than you used to, but eventually it will become the new normal. Your needs and wants matter, so don't be afraid to say no.

For Further Thought:

1) In what ways do you find yourself "choosing your battles" throughout your day?

2) What are your reasons for saying "yes?" What are your reasons for saying "no?" Are these reasons consistent with your values?

3) How can you help your responses be more consistent with your values?


For Further Reading:

Not Just Cute: Setting Boundaries Helps Kids...and Also Your Sanity

Peaceful Parent: The importance of healthy boundaries in the family

Positive Parenting Connection: Boundaries: Building Block #9 for Positive Parenting

Respectful Parenting: Parents' Needs MATTER!- The Art of Self-Care and Respectful Parenting

Weaning

There is probably no other issue as contentious in parenting as breastfeeding. If you manage to have a successful breastfeeding experience, the time will eventually come when you will have to decide to wean. The optimal time for weaning will depend on who you talk to.Sure, the WHO recommends breastfeeding up to two years and beyond, but they are also making their decisions based on what's best for people around the world, including third world countries where they may not have access to clean drinking water. Obviously, breast milk is preferable to cholera, so if you happen to live in a place where you don't have access to safe drinking water (say, Flint, Michigan), it would make sense to breastfeed for an extended period of time.

The correct time to wean is a very personal decision which means that you will face criticism if your decision does not resemble someone else's.

Parent 1: I breastfeed until my child entered college. It was really difficult and required a lot of sacrifice on my part, but I felt it was important to do what was best for my child

Parent 2: [feels bad for only breastfeeding for a year]

Parent 1: [breastfed child for 6 months]

Parent 2: [is still breastfeeding at a year]

Parent 1: What, are you planning on breastfeeding them until college?

Deciding when to wean (or even to breastfeed at all, but that's a post for another day) falls under the category of decisions a parent has to make by weighing their own needs against their child's. I have read in more than one place that children will self-wean naturally at a certain age, and have thereby concluded that since children are only young for such a little time and it goes so fast, etc., etc., then parents should put aside their own needs and make whatever sacrifices necessary to continue to breastfeed until that point. I have rarely read that it is totally acceptable (and even encouraged!) that a parent put their needs ahead of their child's. (The Horror!) However, parenting is a balancing act of making sure that our needs and our child's needs are met. I don't have the right answer for you, but I will say that you do have the right to take your needs and even your wants into consideration in this question. 

Are you ready to stop breastfeeding? What kinds of "shoulds" are coming up for you when you ask yourself this question? "I *should* breastfeed my child longer." "I *should* wean my child by x age otherwise it's weird." If you were making your decision in a total vacuum, away from the judging eyes of others, what would your decision be? 

When I had decided to wean, there was a little bit of uneasiness. I could have chalked it up to the fact that I (or my daughter) wasn't ready, and have continued past my decided weaning date. At the same time, I realized that this was a big transition for both of us, and that it was ok to not be 100% ready for it. It's possible that at a later date I might have felt 100% ready (I guess we'll never know) but at the same time, I can look fondly both upon my breastfeeding days as well as on when and how I weaned. 

Is your child ready to stop breastfeeding? Especially if your child is older, and has more of an awareness of what's going on, it can be a really difficult thing to go through. Does this mean you shouldn't stop until they're ready? Well, this week my son cried because he didn't like where I parked, should I have parked elsewhere? At a certain point, our kids are not going to be happy with our decisions and you would think parking in the "wrong" spot was equivalent to telling him I was no longer going to be feeding him the way he carried on. And honestly, I almost considered parking somewhere else -our brains are wired to respond to our child's needs, and so we have to really think about what's a need and what's a want. Your child NEEDS food. I'm not convinced that they NEED breast milk. If you are concerned about weaning because of your child's response, there are many ways you can approach this that respect their loss without overriding the boundaries you have decided upon. Obviously, it's much harder to do if you're feeling that you're depriving your child of something they are entitled to.

For both of you, the transition into not breastfeeding anymore will mean a loss of connection. I remember when my daughter would get sick and just want to cuddle with me, and I realized that we didn't do that as much anymore. This may be a valid reason for not weaning. However, if weaning is something you want to do, it will just require a little consideration on your part to figure out how to make that connection with your child. 

If you have decided that you are ready to wean, there are a few different ways to do it. Some advocate "don't offer, don't refuse." This is a good option if you're not in a hurry to wean. If your child asks to nurse, you nurse them. If they don't ask, even if it's a time when you would usually nurse, you don't nurse them. You can also just drop one nursing session at a time, or decide that you will only nurse at home, or only before bed. If you have decided to drop a feeding, but your child still wants to nurse, you can tell them you will nurse later, or offer them a snack, or find another way to connect with them that doesn't involved nursing (including listening to them cry because you won't nurse them).

When I weaned (both times, and my children were a year old each time I weaned), I cut out one feeding every day until I was done. I started with feedings which could be replaced with snacks. The last feeding I eliminated was the night-time one, and it took a few nights with a little crying before they stopped waking up to nurse at night. I distinctly remember bringing a sippy cup with water to my daughtetr's room, but of course she didn't want it. We would sit in the rocking chair but when she realized that breastfeeding wasn't happening I put her back in her crib and she went back to sleep. 

Expect fullness and discomfort for a few days once you've completely weaned. The slower you go (dropping a feeding every week rather than every day, for example), the easier it will be for your body to adjust. If you have to express milk, try to express as little as possible, since the milk that is expressed will always be replaced with more milk.

Again, this is a hugely personal decision that is fraught with all of the worries that parenthood brings about making the "right" decision. Not only do you have to face the judgement of other people, you have to deal with the feelings of the child involved in this decision. You are living in a world which constantly tells you that your needs and wants don't matter, so to make a decision based on your needs and wants in all of this is a recipe for doubt. At the same time, this is big transition and change is hard. So have compassion for yourself and your child as you go through this together.

For Further Thought:

1) Are you ready to wean? 

2) Is your child ready to wean? 

3) What "shoulds" do you have about breastfeeding and weaning?

4) If you are prepared to wean, what is your plan, and does it take into consideration the needs both you and your child have that used to be met by breastfeeding?

For Further Reading:

Aha Parenting: Gentle Weaning Your Toddler

Ask Moxie: Weaning, or Not Weaning (this is a website where it's safe to read the comments)

Janet Lansbury: Weaning a Toddler